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"WHAT
ABOUT ALL THE MEN?"
By Al Miles
A Christian pastor and national trainer on
strategies to prevent and end situations of domestic violence
within faith communities reflects on the most frequently asked
question he receives from male clergy and congregation members.
He also challenges the commonly held notion that males have been
granted special divine privileges to assume headship over
females.
The hundred people in attendance at the
church auditorium on that Saturday were
all part of the congregation’s leadership team: choir members,
deacons, educators, senior and associate pastors. The focus of
this particular day-long conference was on the unique challenges
churches face when situations of domestic violence occur amongst
couples worshipping within the congregation.
I began this particular session by recounting
the story of a couple named Helen and William. Evangelical
Christians in their early forties who had been married for 18
years—from all outside indicators this particular couple shared
a wonderful life. They were the envy of people living in their
small university town where both were well-respected and tenured
professors. Everyone praised Helen and William because of their
Christian commitment and deep love and respect for one another.
No one knew, however, that William had been
abusing Helen their entire marriage. On one horrific occasion,
which I shared with conference attendees, he poured scalding
water all over her body simply because she had declined to have
sexual relations with him that evening.
I read aloud to the group Helen’s own
recollection of William’s criminal actions. “I was so shocked
and frightened by what he did that I didn’t even feel the pain
of my second-degree burns until later,” recalled Helen. “As I
lay in bed crying uncontrollably over what this man, my husband,
had done to me, William put his face very close to mine and said
in an angry but even tone, ‘Never, ever refuse to have sex with
me again. I am your master; you are my servant—just as the Bible
says. I’ll be damned if I let my wife tell me what she will and
will not do.’”
Attendees were visibly shaken by what they
had just heard. I asked them to share their feelings; first and
foremost, over the pain and suffering faced by Helen and,
second, over the fact that a Christian man was using the Bible
to justify the crimes and sins he perpetrated against his wife.
Despite the
inhumane treatment of Helen, and my
clear instructions, here are the first five comments I received
from male participants:
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What about
all the men being battered by women?
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We don’t know
the things Helen did to provoke William’s anger.
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Women can be
just as abusive as men.
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Many husbands
work hard all day and suffer abuse from their wives every
night.
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What are the
statistics on female batterers?
These comments, though certainly troubling,
are very common. When situations of domestic violence amongst
couples worshipping in Christian churches come to light, the
usual response from clergy and congregation members alike,
especially males, is to offer excuses and justifications for the
actions of an abusive man. Children, job stress, mood swings,
race, pets, Satan, upbringing, and the violated woman herself
are all blamed for the man’s criminal and sinful behavior.
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When situations
of domestic violence amongst couples worshipping in
Christian churches come to light, the usual response
from clergy and congregation members alike,
especially males, is to offer excuses and
justifications for the actions of an abusive man.
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An abused Christian woman is frequently
vilified. She is said to have “provoked” the man’s anger by her
actions and inactions; said to have caused him to “snap” by
nagging him; and, of particular note, she is told by clergy and
congregants that the abuse perpetrated against her is due to the
fact that she is not in total submission to the alleged
“God-ordained” authority of her male intimate partner.
It’s critical to note that none of the above
excuses are true. Women never cause the emotional, physical,
psychological, sexual, or spiritual abuse men perpetrate against
them. Not ever. Situations of domestic violence are always the
result of a conscious decision and definitive choice on the part
of an offender to use abusive and violent tactics.
Let’s talk further about two issues: first,
the idea that domestic violence is a crime and sin perpetrated
as much by females as by males. Second, the frequent misuse of
God, the Bible, and church doctrine and tradition by some
Christian men to not only claim male headship and female
subordination, but to also offer excuses and justification for
the violence men perpetrate against women.
An Equal Opportunity Crime? Actually Not
Anyone in an adult or teenage relationship
can be abused and abusive. But the idea that women abuse men at
the same rate and intensity as men abuse women is not supported
by national statistics. The American Medical Association
estimates that more than two million women in this country are
assaulted by an intimate partner every year
[1].
At present, 85% to 90% of all reported cases of intimate partner
violence are those in which a man violates a woman. Most male
victims of intimate partner violence are violated by other males
in same-sex partnerships. And, in terms of injury rates, injury
severity, medical help seeking, depression, anxiety, and fear,
women are more adversely affected than are men. In addition,
recent research has indicated that while some women report using
violence to dominate and control their partners, the predominant
violence motivation offered by women is self-defense or
retaliation for prior violence against them
[2].
Furthermore, men use emotional, physical,
psychological, and sexual abuse tactics against women far more
frequently and intensely than vice versa. Crude putdowns; vile
and vulgar name calling; destruction of property; physical harm
or the threat thereof to one’s intimate partner, children, pets,
and to one’s self; sexual abuse and sexual assault; are all
commonly employed male tactics that
are seldom used by females.
However, the greatest debunk to the myth that
women abuse men at the same rate and intensity as men abuse
women, at least from a Christian context, is found in the use of
spiritual abuse tactics.
Male Privilege—Ordained by Man not God
Let’s return for a moment to Helen and
William. On the night he poured scalding water all over his
wife’s body because she had declined to have sexual relations
with him that evening, William offered Helen a biblical
justification for the criminal and sinful behavior he’d just
perpetrated against her. “I am your master; you are my
servant—just as the Bible says.” It is vital that all
Christians, leaders and lay members alike, condemn such
blasphemy. There is nothing in Scripture that supports either
William’s atrocious act or his claim of male superiority.
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Battered
Christian women across the denominational spectrum
are hearing from some clergy and congregation
members, especially from males, that they, the
women, must stay with, pray for, and obey the very
men violating them. |
Nevertheless, battered Christian women across
the denominational spectrum are hearing from some clergy and
congregation members, especially from males, that they, the
women, must stay with, pray for, and obey the very men violating
them. Somehow, though this is never fully explained, these acts
of complicity and subservience will make everything okay in the
relationship. As a result of this dangerous and inappropriate
advice, scores of Christian women have suffered further abuse
from their male Christian intimate partners. Sadly, some of the
women have even been murdered by these alleged “men of God.”
There is no evidence whatsoever that men,
Christian or otherwise, are receiving such poorly thought-out
spiritual counsel. It is extremely rare for any man to be told
by anyone—inside or outside of church—to stay with, pray for,
and obey any woman, let alone one who is abusing him. Why?
Christian Marriage—Equal and Mutual, not
Male Dominant
In actuality, the overarching theme in
Scripture concerning adult intimate partnerships in marriage
is not male headship, but instead
centers on equality and mutuality. Equal love, respect, value
and worth, and mutual privileges and
responsibilities are essential qualities in all healthy
Christian marriages. Husbands and wives are instructed to “be
subject to” one another. In the original language of the New
Testament, Greek, this means that both men and women need to
behave responsibly toward one another, align themselves, and
need to relate to one another in meaningful and respectful ways.
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Be subject to
one another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph. 5:21 NRSV)
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For you were
called to freedom, brothers and sisters, only do not use
your freedom as an opportunity for self-indulgence, but
through love become slaves to one another. (Gal. 5:13 NRSV)
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The husband
should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise
the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to
her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the
husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also his
wife. (1 Cor. 7:3-4 NIV)
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Husbands,
love your wives and never treat them harshly. (Col. 3:19
NRSV).
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The wife’s body
does not belong to her alone but also to her
husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does
not belong to him alone but also his wife. (1 Cor.
7:3-4 NIV) |
Clergy and congregants need to interpret and
translate passages from both the Old and New Testaments, and
promote doctrinal beliefs, teachings, and traditions that
clearly affirm the equal value and worth of all humankind, both
female and male. Privileges granted to males, in and outside of
the context of marriage, must also be granted to females. This
is surely what God intends.
Conclusion
What about all the men? This is a very
important question in reference to the widespread, yet
significantly underreported incidents of intimate partner
violence occurring amongst Christian couples. The inquiry,
however, needs to be greatly expanded upon:
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What about
all the men who have chosen to stand with women to work on
preventing and ending the violence Christian males
perpetrate against females and children?
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Why aren’t
more Christian men speaking out from pulpits and classrooms
about this pervasive epidemic?
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Where are the
Christian men who are willing to challenge the time-worn
patriarchal system that offers males undue entitlement and
privileges to yield an alleged God-ordained authority over
females, children, animals and plants, and the entire
universe?
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How are
Christian men treating their own wives or other female
intimate partners? Are they modeling healthy behavior and
teaching their daughters and sons the equal love, respect,
value and worth God intends for all humankind, female and
male? Or, does the behavior of self-proclaimed “men of God”
toward their own female wives and girlfriends support a male
hierarchal construct?
What about all the men? I challenge male
Christians who ask this question to look inside themselves—seek
professional help to change behaviors that disrespect women,
children, and any other of God’s creations, learn more about the
dynamics associated with domestic violence, and then decide to
join women to work toward bringing an end to all the violence
men perpetrate against women, children, and each other.
Notes:
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American Medical Association, “Facts
about Domestic Violence,” cited in Violence in
Families: What Every Christian Needs to Know, p. 27.
[back to text]
-
L. Kevin Hamberger and Clare Guse,
“What Domestically Violent Men Say about Their
Partners’ Violence” (unpublished), cited in Violence in
Families: What Every Christian Needs to Know, pp. 32-33.
[back to text]
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Rev.
Al Miles received his undergraduate degree from
Anderson University and his Master of Divinity degree at
the Anderson School of Theology, both in Anderson,
Indiana. Since 1993, Miles has worked for Pacific Health
Ministry at The Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu
